But Not For Me
by 08joanna
Summary: Immediately post "Both Sides Now," Cuddy lets Cameron know why House and Wilson couldn't make it to the wedding.


Lisa Cuddy arrived late to the wedding and slipped into a chair at the end of a row, toting baby Rachel. It was a glorious May afternoon, and the garden setting was beautiful, with spring's delicate pastels blooming all over. She glanced at Cameron, radiant in a gown perfect for her figure, just approaching Chase to begin the ceremony. Chase absolutely glowed, and Cuddy couldn't remember ever seeing him more handsome or with a happier expression on his face. This was a long time coming for them, and she was happy for them, honestly. But she couldn't help thinking of House and Wilson, who she'd just left at House's apartment as he finished packing. Later that day Wilson would be taking him to a place where he could, hopefully, begin to deal with his problems and get well. Her heart broke for both of them, and also for herself, as her dreams of a possible life with House and the baby seemed further away than ever.

It was a quick, non-religious ceremony, and the outdoor reception followed immediately at the same location. There was no formal receiving line, but Cuddy waited for nearly everyone else to congratulate the couple before drawing near. Chase was now off talking to another tall blond man, his best man, who looked to be a relative or friend from Australia, and Cuddy approached Cameron, who enveloped both her and the baby in a big hug.

"Thanks so much for coming. It means a lot to both of us to have you here," Cameron said.

"Of course. It was lovely, and you look fantastic. I love the dress," Cuddy replied.

The baby gurgled and Cameron laughed. "What a doll! She's getting so big."

"She's certainly a handful -- a delightful handful. Who's the adorable flower girl?"

"My niece -- Annabelle. She's four and a pistol – barely ever stops moving or talking. My brother can hardly keep up with her."

Cameron took her eyes off Cuddy and scanned the crowd, and her expression changed from joyful to disappointed.

"Cuddy, where are House and Wilson? I've been so busy with other people, it didn't occur to me until now, but I don't see either of them," Cameron asked.

Cuddy hesitated. She didn't want to ruin Cameron and Chase's joyous day, but she couldn't lie about it, either. "We didn't want to say anything before the wedding, didn't want to spoil anything for you, but…"

"What's wrong?" Cameron asked.

"He's been hallucinating for a few days and then it escalated into delusions. We don't know if it's the pills or another problem, but Wilson's taking him to check into a facility later today. He's finally realized that he needs help."

Cameron frowned, but didn't look entirely surprised. "What facility?"

"Mayfield, near Philly."

"Will they try detoxing him?"

"To begin with. If the Vicodin isn't the cause, they'll probably put him on anti-depressants and see if that helps."

"I've seen him detoxing. It isn't pretty."

"I know. But in the long run it'll be much better for him. We've gotta stay hopeful – maybe this is finally what had to happen for him to get some help and make some changes."

Cameron nodded. "You know, he's actually the reason we're here today."

"You mean because you and Chase wouldn't have met if House hadn't hired both of you?"

"No, I mean … Chase and I were having some problems, some misunderstandings. I went to House and he said just the right thing to make me realize that I wanted this marriage to work."

Cuddy seemed shocked. "Really? He did that?"

"Yeah, he did." Cameron looked across the lawn, where Chase was still laughing with his best man and some other people. "Do any of the others know yet?"

"We told his team, but Chase doesn't know."

Cameron kept her eyes on Chase, and said "He'll be upset about this. Maybe I shouldn't mention it."

"But won't he wonder where House and Wilson are?"

"I could make something up – say Wilson had a family emergency, maybe something with his brother, and House went with him."

"Cameron, he'll find out sooner or later. It's probably better to start off your marriage with the truth, no?"

Cameron wiped away a tear, but nodded her agreement. "Of course, you're right. He's just … he'll never admit it, but House means a lot to him."

"He means a lot to all of us. I wish he could believe that."

"Maybe he will, once he's better."

"I hope so." Rachel squirmed in Cuddy's arms and started fussing. "Look, I don't want to keep you from your other guests, and I think she needs a fresh diaper."

Chase was now walking over, and Cameron took his hand as she said to Cuddy, "Okay, we'll catch up with you later."

Cuddy watched them walk off together, arm in arm, their heads leaning in towards each other, sharing a private moment before returning to the party. She entered the building adjacent to the garden, and took Rachel into the women's room. It was empty, and as she changed the baby her emotions spilled over and a few teardrops fell on Rachel's bare tummy. Rachel looked up at her with a surprised expression, and in the next second smiled and cooed. Cuddy wished she could be as oblivious and carefree as her baby. Wished she could forget the empty sick feeling she'd had when House revealed what had been going on with him. She couldn't help feeling guilty, even though intellectually she knew it wasn't really her fault. She couldn't have known the state he was in when he came to her office that night, could she? She'd been impatient with him, sure, but he'd said something so cruel, and she'd walked out without realizing that he'd come to her in his neediest moment. She thought back to all the other times he'd come to her – to put him into a coma after the infarction, when Stacy had gone against his wishes and authorized the surgery; for a morphine shot, when she'd given him a placebo instead; his request for the Ketamine treatment after he was shot, which she'd agreed to and then regretted keenly when his respite from pain was so short-lived. She remembered him showing up at her door after Joy's mother decided to keep her, and the kiss that could've led to much more if she'd let it. She'd been with him through so much, but it wasn't enough. She'd failed him. She knew it was irrational to feel this way, but she couldn't help it. She'd failed him. And when he couldn't get the help he needed from her, his mind had tricked itself into believing that she had been there for him anyway, helping him detox. God, he had even imagined they'd slept together – her attitude the next day had probably been so hurtful to him.

They were masters at hurting each other, it seemed. She now regretted never acknowledging that he'd gotten her the desk, or thanking him for it. She regretted all the games they'd played, cruel things like making him climb the stairs, planting a trip-wire in his office doorway, and stealing his cane. He could be so maddening – always closed-off, always deflecting – but she realized now that there were reasons for his behavior, reasons she might never fully understand. She hated feeling like she might've contributed somehow to his current condition, but she couldn't help it.

She finally pulled herself together, finished dressing Rachel, and splashed some cold water on her face. She walked back out into the garden, where buffet tables were now stocked with hors-d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne. She breathed deeply, taking in the scent of the blossoming trees and trying to calm herself. Rachel pointed a pudgy hand in the direction of some colorful flowers, and Cuddy walked towards them to give her a better look. Regret was pointless, she thought to herself. It wouldn't help House, and it wouldn't help her. She vowed to push it down, and focus on how she could help him.


End file.
